As of the time i am writing it is 1:08 am on September 17th and i am not turning but have turn(ed) 20 !
Such a strange mix of emotions, for the longest time i didn't believe i'd live long enough to see this age, both for morbid reasons and non: (I feel like with my lankiness i am destined to die a death you only see in chinese industrial manufacturing). Its no coincidence that i have started a largely self-serving blog now; of the limited things for which i am proud of myself, chief among them is how i have moved past the shame and fear of expression that dominated the vast majority of my life. With that prides comes a tinge of shame considering that i could have started actually discovering who i am earlier but oh well.
So many incredible awesome people have come into my life in this past year, and so much has changed that i feel unrecognizable. i have also started writing again (or really at all) and am slowly trying to actually implement some form of prose beyond having a conversation with myself. i want to formulate something profound or incredibly self-revealing to those who read, or promote an idea of my personhood to you, you being i or you being the literal you. But i cant find it, inevitably this is just a day, and one of many in my life. I am no different than yesterday to the extent that i am still too young to die, now only meeting those qualifications slightly less.
i think this whole exercise is to justify to myself that i actually have personhood and interiority that will persevere, i want to express an idea of what makes me me and what makes me distinct from a chair or a rug or any other various item. i want to know that the concept that i identify as me at 1:34am on the 17th September 2026 will prompt some eventual desire for more knowledge that cant be met. l want to be a reminder for the reality that ultimately, there is no revelatory knowledge or really anything to be known in so far as what you construct of me.
i remember as a child having this fixation of putting wooden objects in my mouth, small figurines or carved wooden sculptures or whatever. maybe i'm hyper-rationalising it but i think what i wanted from this was the ability to really and truely know the identity of what i was interacting with. At least in physical space there is a literal and unaffable boundary of what the form i was exploring was, there is something that separates a bridge from a fall and likewise my tongue from the wooden horse it smothered. While not intimately adding much knowledge, i could at least define the bounds of what i could understand.
In many ways, i wish to be absolutely known in this way, though not for the reasons of compassion or empathy or to be 'understood' by you, i know such a thing is impossible and i don't desire it. But for the fact it entails that there is an absolute essentialist me of some kind. Hiding beneath the layers of conscious activity there exists a 'true' me divorced from effort and activity, something i can point to and have others comment 'oh theyre naturally kind,smart,judgemental,hateful,gifting,timid'.
i would continue this activity of putting wood in my mouth, exploring their crevices, until eventually and horrifyingly. my saliva would begin to seep into its pores and digest its cellulose. in doing so my childhood thesis crumbles, now even the idea of physical boundaries is broken. i hated it.
There is no me trapped under the ice, lying under the layers of my presentation and whatever i am to you. i have now lived 20 years and this is all there is. it is now 2:03am and i am no more or less the person i was 2 hours and 3 minutes ago. i will always feel like this incomplete person if only for the fact i only had the confidence to live honestly later than most.
i realise this all sounds so negative but i think i'm glad now, in a way i can be whatever is necessary for you (again, you being me or you being you) to believe. i love my friends and living life in this way if only because it affords me the ability to keep moving forward and change.
anyway, it's now 2:10 and im gonna eat Peking duck tomorrow (today).
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